MusicTeacher
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Los Angeles
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Message Posted: Mar 11, 2013 10:02:53 AM
Good Morning, Hamish! ♩
Have a Wonderful Monday!
♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Sep 25, 2011 2:53:46 PM
Debt Ceiling Limerick
The United States is heavily in debt
Politicians are taking the bet
Will the ceiling be raised
Should Obama be praised
Now wall street is starting to sweat.
by Hamish
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bongobro
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St. Louis
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Message Posted: Sep 5, 2011 2:33:33 PM
In the U. S. we curry our favor
For those in organized labor
But the trouble is this
The workers are missed
Unless mainland China's your neighbor!
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Sep 1, 2011 4:02:05 PM
Thanks for visiting the rest and rant
Too much on the go
So thinking up stuff for here
Right now I really can't.
[Edited by: Hamish at 9/1/2011 4:02:50 PM EST]
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bongobro
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St. Louis
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Message Posted: Aug 30, 2011 12:17:09 PM
Well Hamish, it's still great to see ya
Although your ranting career, uh,
Is now auto reporter
I'm still a supporter
And my limericks--they're still pretty weirda!
(A little Ogden Nash there at the end!) Good to see you're still ranting, my friend!)
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bongobro
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St. Louis
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Message Posted: Dec 31, 2010 8:27:05 PM
Five months and a day it has been
Since someone last put foot in
To the old Rest and Rant
(blows dust off) -- I can't
Let this place be turned in!
Abandoned places, they say
Are torn down and get thrown away
In the name of improvement
So I'm starting a movement
To re-open this place, hip hooray!
My bistro was down for a while
But I'm happy to say with a smile
The beat is returning
The lights are now burning
Like they haven't been for a while...
Hamish, my friend, raise your glass--
Saluting your rhyming with class
May twenty eleven
Be closer to heaven
Than the preceding year that has passed!
(Couldn't resist dusting off the poetic meter; truth is it's been hidden under too darn much -- uh, shall we say JUNK? -- lately!)
Happy new year!
bongobro
[Edited by: bongobro at 12/31/2010 8:29:26 PM EST]
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mapleleafs
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Toronto
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Message Posted: Jul 30, 2010 9:29:13 PM
Hi Hamish I hope all is well as it looks like you have not been here for awhile.
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67SS396C
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Message Posted: Mar 18, 2010 1:14:43 PM
Political Humor
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. -Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America! -Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. -Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -Letterman
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mapleleafs
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Message Posted: Feb 27, 2010 6:17:58 PM
Hi Hamish I hope you are having a good weekend
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jaxtrax
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Toronto
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Message Posted: Feb 26, 2010 11:21:57 AM
I don't doubt that AARP (and likely CARP, the Canadian version, an association of old fishermen and women?) will adopt that ditty as their anthem.
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MusicTeacher
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Message Posted: Feb 26, 2010 12:11:16 AM
Good Evening, Hamish ♩ Thank you for sharing the humorous aging lyrics of Julie Andrews' performance, set to the tune of "My Favorite Things!"
A great laugh is just what I needed after my 3rd ENT Doctor visit today, which thankfully is excellent news! My left ear infection and eardrum rupture are now healing very well and I thank God for that! I still need one more week of eardrops, and then another follow up visit on 3/5/10 to √ out my left ear again.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams!
♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬
[Edited by: MusicTeacher at 2/26/2010 12:11:44 AM EST]
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Feb 25, 2010 10:21:52 AM
To commemorate her 69th birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.
Here are the lyrics she used:
.
(Sing It!)-
.
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Feb 18, 2010 11:13:10 AM
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house...
.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
.
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing.
Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
.
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing.
No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.
The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.
Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.
Start again.
Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe?
Something for my garden?
Where am I?
Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?
Did you?
Who farted?
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Feb 16, 2010 8:52:47 AM
Old Folks Are Worth A Fortune
With silver hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomaches.
I have become a lot more social with the passing of the years, some might call me a frivolous old gal.
I'm seeing five gentleman every day.
As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go see John.
Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Auther Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. (He doesn't like to stay in one place for very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.)
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life!
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Feb 11, 2010 9:01:37 AM
What Men Say but Really Mean...
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
.
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
.
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my room mates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
.
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
.
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
.
"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
.
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
.
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
.
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
.
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
.
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
.
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
.
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
.
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
.
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
.
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
.
"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
.
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
.
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
.
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
.
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
.
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
.
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."
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mapleleafs
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Toronto
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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2010 5:12:02 PM
Hi Hamish I hope all is well and you are having a great weekend
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2010 7:56:04 AM
Hello all. Old TV shows in my Sunday poem.
Channel A. T. V.
If aliens watched television,
I wonder what they see.
Do they watch old movies,
Or reruns of E.T.
Close encounters of the third kind,
Do you think they get that station.
I bet they really go insane,
When they watch Alien Nation.
Abbott and Costello go to Mars,
Or Independence Day.
Bet they didn't like the ending,
When they got blown away.
Do you think they watch the sequels,
On their big screen space T.V.
They are probably tired like we are,
Of Alien one, and two, and three.
The Time Machine, The Creature,
Terminator and the rest.
Earth Girls are Easy, well....
They liked that one the best.
Do they watch commercials,
Do they have a runny nose.
Do they take some Sudafed,
Or buy pantyhose.
Well I suppose we'll never know,
If aliens watch T.V.
But I could guess their favorite,
Why Its Mork and Mindy.
by Hamish
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Feb 4, 2010 7:56:23 AM
Humor in Music
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.
The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.
The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in!
This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Jan 31, 2010 9:36:55 AM
Illegal Immigrants
I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
NHS it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, British dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
Britain crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think U.K. darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.
by Author Unknown
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67SS396C
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Omaha
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Message Posted: Jan 28, 2010 5:26:39 AM
Pretty birdie with the yellow bill
Perched upon my window sill
I lured him in with crumbs of bread
and smashed him on his crummy head
------------------------------------
That one goes back to the 5th grade I think :)
[Edited by: 67SS396C at 1/28/2010 5:26:54 AM EST]
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Jan 25, 2010 11:14:50 AM
Happy Birthday Robert Burns
Robert Burns is Scotland's best-loved bard and Burns Suppers have been held in his honor for over 200 years.
Among many Scots, his best know poems are Auld Lang Syne and Ode To A Haggis.
.
Robert Burns was born January 25, 1759, in Alloway, Ayrshire, Scotland, to William Burnes, a poor tenant farmer, and Agnes Broun.
Robert Burns was the eldest of seven children.
He spent his youth working his father's farm, but in spite of his poverty he was extremely well read - at the insistence of his father, who employed (1772) a tutor, John Murdoch, for Robert and younger brother Gilbert.
At 15 Robert was the principal worker on the farm and this prompted him to start writing in an attempt to find a suitable outlet for his circumstances.
It was at this early age that Burns penned his first verse, "My Handsome Nell", which was an ode to the other subjects that dominated his life, namely scotch and women.
.
He moved around the country, eventually arriving in Edinburgh (1886), where he mingled in the illustrious circles of the artists and writers who were delighted at the "Ploughman Poet."
In a matter of weeks he was transformed from local hero to a national celebrity, fussed over by the Edinburgh literati of the day, and Jean Armour's father allowed her to marry him (1788), now that he was no longer a lowly wordsmith.
.
Robert Burns died July 21, 1796 at the age of 37.
His death occurred on the same day his wife, Jean, gave birth to his last son, Maxwell.
.
Rabbie Burns, we salute you!
.
.
.
ODE TO A HAGGIS
.
Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great Chieftan o’ the Puddin-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang’s my arm
.
The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
You pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o’need
While thro’ your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead
.
His knife see Rustic-labour dight,
An’ cut you up wi’ ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reeking, rich!
.
Then, horn for horn they stretch an’ strive,
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive
Bethankit hums
.
Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi’ perfect sconner,
Looks down wi’ sneering, scornfu’ view
On sic a dinner?
.
Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither’d rash
His spindle-shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro’ bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!
.
But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He’ll mak it whissle;
An’ legs, an’ arms an’ heads will sned,
Like taps o’ thrissle
.
Ye pow’rs wha mak mankind your care,
An’ dish them out their bill o’fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu’ pray’r,
Gie her a Haggis!
.
by Robert Burns
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67SS396C
Champion Author
Omaha
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Message Posted: Jan 25, 2010 5:15:54 AM
A Nebraska Poem
It's winter in Nebraska!
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
.....
....
...
..
.
Oh, how I love Nebraska
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
.....
....
...
..
.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Nebraska
I'm frozen to the ground
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Hamish
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Ontario
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Message Posted: Jan 24, 2010 11:39:06 AM
When I Was
When I was ten I was free to play, I used to pass my time away.
I never thought of what I would be, when I was ten and I was free.
When I was twenty I was free to play, I used to pass my time away.
I thought of what I could be, when I was twenty and I was free.
When I was thirty I was free to play, I still could pass my time away.
I thought of what I still could be, when I was thirty and I was free.
When I was forty I was free to say, I couldn't pass my time away.
I thought of what I would never be, when I was forty and I was free.
When I was fifty I was free and gray, the years now passed my time away.
I thought of what waited for me, when I was fifty and I was free.
When I was sixty I was free and gray, I hoped for time to rest and stay.
I thought of what I would never see, when I was sixty and I was free.
When I was seventy I was free to pray, I thought of time passing me away.
I hoped that I could always be, when I was seventy and I was free.
When I was eighty I was free today, I could forever pass my time away.
For now that time has come for me, when I was eighty we both were free.
by Hamish
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TUrtLE1625
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Oregon
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Message Posted: Jan 21, 2010 1:05:52 PM
Hi Ya Hamish,
Thank you for participating in TUrtLE Land's Annual Joke Day.
:-)
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Jan 19, 2010 12:54:42 PM
Top Ten Signs There's Trouble At NBC
10. Lineup has more holes than the Green Bay Packers defense
09. Winner on 'Deal Or No Deal' gets to run the network for a week
08. NBC peacock crashed his car and beaten with a golf club
07. NBC Christmas party is a week from Thursday
06. Tina Fey is having a hard time making fictional network executives dumber than the real ones
05. Replacing 'Biggest Loser' with a show about people whose weight fluctuates but is still within an acceptable range
04. NBC president seen wandering halls shouting, 'Is 'Night Court' still on?'
03. Promise they'll have this figured out by the 2014 Olympics
02. Just gave 10 p.m. show to Snooki
01. It's so bad, they've even considered me
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TUrtLE1625
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Message Posted: Jan 19, 2010 8:53:03 AM
Good Morning Hamish,
Reminder, Joke Day is close now. Thursday is almost here. Do you have your shorter joke ready to post in TUrtLE Land?
Have a terrific Tuesday!
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Jan 16, 2010 8:23:09 AM
Tiger Woods Limerick
Tiger Woods has fallen from grace
Big sex scandal now he must face
Made his wife mad
Over lovers he had
And his balls she tried to replace.
by Hamish
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67SS396C
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Omaha
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Message Posted: Jan 16, 2010 3:35:20 AM
Hi just resting :)
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Jan 13, 2010 3:07:40 PM
Irish Golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.
'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
'I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says.
'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.
I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
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Hamish
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Ontario
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Message Posted: Jan 7, 2010 9:51:11 AM
The Summit Limerick
The Copenhagen summit was fun
Well did they get anything done?
They all seemed quite bored
Never signed an accord
Climate change is still the earth's sun.
by Hamish
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67SS396C
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Omaha
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Message Posted: Jan 7, 2010 2:43:50 AM
Hi guy...just came by to rest with ya! :)
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MusicTeacher
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Message Posted: Jan 6, 2010 5:47:45 PM
Good Afternoon, Hamish ♪ Thank you for sharing the link at my Studio, but that's not my favorite style of music. My favorite musical styles are classical and Christian music. However as a professional Musician, I can play many different styles of music outside of my preferences to cater to my friends and clients.
Have a Great Day!
♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬
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MusicTeacher
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Message Posted: Jan 5, 2010 11:38:38 AM
Good Morning, Hamish ♩ Welcome to the Studio and thanks for your visit this morning. Happy New Year, and I do look forward to reading your posts at my Studio! Enjoy your day!
As I see here at your place, you love to write! Have a wonderful 2010 of writing!
Happy Tuesday!
♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Jan 4, 2010 12:15:49 PM
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself road-kill chili.
Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..
.
Here's the thing.
I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No 'Watson's Movement.
Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.
The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The chillies fired a warning shot.
.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
.
Here's the thing.
When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.
'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.
He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
.
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Lowes.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Jan 3, 2010 1:00:19 PM
Hello there. My poem for a Sunday.
A War of Peace
We had two great wars then millions were dead,
And now once a year we bow down our head,
To remember the brave ones who died far away,
But it wasn't for freedom, we're still chained today.
None can forget how they ended one war,
A super bomb was made for that score,
It maimed and destroyed and ended that fight,
But the day is approaching when we'll see the light.
The year doesn't matter they all are the same,
The war we are fighting is now just a game,
With thousands of people dying for what,
A political battle which we never thought.
Now all of the wars are not fought in the east,
The western world is not at full peace,
With a difference of color in somebody's face,
Will there ever be freedom for this human race.
Now we have missiles where planes used to dwell,
And nuclear weapons we have them as well,
And if fight them we're forced to, then fight them we must,
But the winner shall perish using chemical dust.
And now I will leave you to wonder or doubt,
Could nuclear warfare wipe us all out,
Could people stop fighting, could peace be our fate,
We better act quickly before its too late.
by Hamish
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PnnyPnchr
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Toronto
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Message Posted: Jan 2, 2010 11:30:49 AM
Happy New Year, Hamish.
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momsno1_taxi
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Toronto
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Message Posted: Jan 2, 2010 11:08:30 AM
Happy New Year Hamish,
thanks for the poems...looking forward to new ones for the year ahead!
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Jan 1, 2010 2:47:22 PM
Happy New Year all
Horrorscope for Jan. 1st 2010
*Aries *(March 21 - April 19)
You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door.
Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.
.
*Taurus *(April 20 - May 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom.
They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
.
*Gemini *(May 21 - June 20)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors.
Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
.
*Cancer *(June 21 - July 22)
Don't worry about your hair.
It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.
.
*Leo *(July 23 - August 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining *Sinanthropus*
(Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon.
This will explain things you'd been wondering about.
.
*Virgo *(August 23 - September 22)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine.
The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
.
*Libra *(September 23 - October 22)
E-coli. It's what's for dinner!
.
*Scorpio *(October 23 - November 21)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper". Don't know why.
.
*Sagittarius *(November 22 - December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles".
.
*Capricorn *(December 22 - January 20)
Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today.
And always watch the skies.
.
*Aquarius *(January 21 - February 18)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
.
*Pisces *(February 19 - March 20)
Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name.
Except you.
People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares?
They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway.
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Sunshine_in
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Toronto
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Message Posted: Dec 25, 2009 8:07:07 PM
Merry Christmas :)
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Dec 25, 2009 10:57:27 AM
Poinsettas are nice
With family near
Merry Christmas to you
And Happy New Year
by Hamish
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Dec 24, 2009 8:18:38 AM
Santa Is Coming
Thank you for inviting us,
On this Christmas eve,
Soon Santa will be visiting you,
Down your chimney, I believe.
You will not know he is corning,
Because you'll be fast asleep,
Dreaming of the toys he brings,
And milk and cookies he will eat.
While your dreaming of your presents,
Underneath your Christmas tree,
Santa Claus has landed on your roof,
And slid down your chimney.
He walks softly to your Christmas tree,
And lays the presents down,
And after checking his list carefully,
He leaves without a sound.
If you should wake when he is there,
He'll try to hide away,
Because if you see Santa,
You will not see Christmas Day.
So be very, very cautious on each Christmas Eve,
If you see Santa, on his rounds, this I do believe,
If you get to see him, he will magically disappear,
And you will get no Christmas gifts, from Santa Claus this year.
by Hamish
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Dec 22, 2009 9:41:25 AM
What three animals is Mr. Woods now? Tiger is a Cheetah that is Lion
.
Apparently, the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said, “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”
.
If the only person that can beat Tiger is a blonde with big breasts, it’s time for Phil Mickelson to bleach his hair.
.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
.
What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing
.
Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
.
Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.
.
What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.
.
Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway. Rock me.
.
Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a golf ball.
.
Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.
.
It turns out that fixing Tiger’s game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.
.
Why was Tiger’s wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round in Australia.
.
What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER’S WIFE MAKES THE CUT
.
Given Tiger’s racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai affair?
.
Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.
.
Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.
.
What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.
.
First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?
.
Tiger Wood’s shirt is all red.....problem is, there’s no tournament, and his veins are a pint low.
.
What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.
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momsno1_taxi
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Toronto
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Message Posted: Dec 21, 2009 11:17:32 AM
Merry Christmas Hamish!
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Dec 20, 2009 8:40:24 AM
Mr. and Mrs. Winter
This is the month of December, the year two thousand and nine.
And we have not seen the Winters, everyday is warm sunshine.
I do not think the Winters, have got up, or really care.
Trees are bare and waiting, for their blast of frigid air.
Mr. and Mrs. Winter please, get up from your sleep.
Rise and shine, you sleepy heads, drop your snow so deep.
Our skiers, and tobogganists depend on you, each year.
Your alarm clock must be broken, or else you would be here.
I've seen your presence many years ago, so much snow that I cursed you.
Shovelling out my driveway, till my hands and face were blue.
But in recent years you've been a friend, calm and very nice.
Last year I only shovelled you, maybe once, or twice.
Mr. and Mrs. Winter please be nasty when you arrive.
Dump three feet of snow outside, so our crops can survive.
My grass is turning yellow, and my snow shovel is starting to rust.
They need your nasty weather, cold and snow is a must.
Mr. and Mrs. Winter you've been sleeping in too long.
The birds are still singing, their sweet spring time song.
Everyone is so messed up, to what kind of coat they should wear.
Warm with sunshine everyday, when will you send cold air?
Mr. and Mrs. Winter, you need to send us snow real quick.
With Christmas Eve approaching, and no snow we all feel sick.
A Christmas would be nice to see, with snow so fluffy white.
Get out of bed and do your best, before Christmas night.
Then if after Christmas Day you want, to retire back to your dream.
And never show us your ugliness, frozen lakes, or a cold stream.
Not everyone will agree with me, because their business depends on you.
Give them some snow and cold to go, before Springs domination ensue.
by Hamish
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momsno1_taxi
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Toronto
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Message Posted: Dec 19, 2009 9:26:09 AM
Good One Hamish,
sounds a lot like this hockey mom, but I don't ever thumb down at the refs, since
it could cost us a game :-)
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Dec 18, 2009 7:49:32 AM
Hockey Mom Limerick
There once was a hockey mom
Gave a remark with her thumb
Is the referee blind
And out of his mind
Or blonde like me, and just dumb.
by Hamish
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Dec 17, 2009 10:08:14 AM
CRAIG'S PERSONAL AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives... You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
.
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]..
.
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card.. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
.
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
.
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. The telephone company just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
.
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
.
Thoughtfully yours,
.
John
.
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Dec 16, 2009 11:44:51 AM
Diary of a Perth Summer
August 31st:
.
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place!
I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.
-----
September 13th:
.
Really heating up.
Got to 35 today.
Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
-----
September 30th:
.
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
-----
October 10th:
.
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's kind of windy though.
But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.
-----
October 15th:
.
Fell asleep by the pool.
Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work.
What a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
-----
October 20th:
.
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I learned my lesson though.
No more pets in this heat.
-----
October 25th:
.
The wind sucks.
It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!!
And it's hot as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
-----
October 30th:
.
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?
-----
November 4th:
.
It's 35 degrees.
Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30.
Stupid repairman.
I hate this stupid place.
-----
November 8th:
.
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him.
Bloody heat.
By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
-----
November 9th:
.
Tried to run some messages after work.
Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
-----
November 10th:
.
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording.
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place?
Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool.
Even the palms can't live in this heat.
-----
November 14th:
.
Welcome to HELL!!!
Temperature got to 38 today.
Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman.
Bloody Perth.
-----
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
-----
December 1st:
.
WHAT?????
This is the first day of Summer????
You are f**king kidding me!!
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Hamish
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Ontario
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Message Posted: Dec 9, 2009 10:27:44 AM
Copenhagen Limerick
In Copenhagen world leaders will talk
To discuss the climate change clock
Is global warming a joke
Like hacked e-mails invoke
Then Al Gore is in for a shock.
by Hamish
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Hamish
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Message Posted: Dec 6, 2009 10:05:19 AM
Christmas At Rock-Away Rest Home
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'Fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!
by Author Unknown
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